Journal Excerpt 2011

January 1st, 2011

I’ve been struggling lately. I’m feeling discouraged and depressed. I think I like to write when I feel that way or sad. That’s a horrific thought, as you’ll no doubt get depressed reading this. I don’t hear much from Katherine Jones. [My Friend] Anytime I hear something from Katherine my heart both sinks and soars. It kind of hurts when we eat the things we use to have at her house. The littlest things remind you of her, but not so much as at first. I pray for her every night. Right now, I’m especially praying God will send her a friend she can not only talk to, but will give her godly advice. Sometimes I feel like I’m so selfish. I’m praying for a selfless spirit. My parents are making such sacrifices for me. I don’t know if I’m noting it more now because I’m the oldest at home, because there are more kids now, or because they are spending so much on me. They’re spending so much money on my education. It almost burns a hole in my heart what they do for me. Algebra tutor, music lessons, transportation.

Mom is going Thursday to pick up Melissa, a little girl we are fostering. She is coming from the same place as Corbin. Mom and I went out this morning to try and get her some clothes. She is three something but due to her heart disorder and living in the orphanage, we don’t know what size she needs. When we visited the orphanage, I watched her laugh and play with Grace. If after thirty minutes, I could be so attached and broken to leave her as I was, how much more will it hurt to say goodbye. [We were told she was un-adoptable at that point]

Mom says there is only so much heartbreak someone can willingly walk head or rather heart first into. I don’t know. There is such a great joy in each child and I know I am so overwhelmingly blessed by each one, but it’s really hard. When you’re grieving, clinging to Jesus, struggling with all the emotions, and all of a sudden all you can say is, “Jesus… It hurts, Jesus.” It just hurts. Then you cry. I rarely cry unless I’m angry, but I do when I’m broken. Mom has told me not to think when I’m tired. Ha!