Journal Excerpts 2010

February 19th, 2010

I was thinking and praying, and started realizing that I wasn’t afraid of death, but life. And sometimes when I dwell on my fears they grow, and consume me. I end up losing my life in a sense. It’s sometimes hard to recognize Satin in my life until he’s already tricking me into wasting time in his sin.

April 9th, 2010

I am realizing what a terrible sister I must be to my brother. I never inspired or encouraged him, only teased. Some teasing is fine, but there has to be a balance of encouragement so he knows I don’t just think he is, only what I tease him about. I asked him what the hardest thing about being a brother was, and he said, “trying to help with emotions.” I asked my dad what the hardest part about being a dad was and he said, “Not feeling accepted.” Finally I asked my mom what the hardest part about being a mom was and she said, “Not being able to make everyone happy.” I really have an incredible family.

April 20th, 2010

Do you ever feel like you are half asleep? I feel like someone shredded my heart, tossed it in a blender and then mixed up all my emotions. My friend has so many problems, I have so many problems. I’m so weak and powerless to do anything. I pray for God’s guidance, but I don’t know what it is. I’m just all mixed up inside. I look out my window and know someone must be going through the same things. God Knows. God will guide me.

May 25th, 2010

The night is so beautiful, so peaceful. I love full moons and starry skies, though they are rare here. There is something ever so renewing in the night, ever so calming. And yet it can be terrifying and taunting, mysterious and unsettling. Beautiful. The mystery of it can be both good and bad. The treasures it holds and the secret it keeps hidden within the fold of it’s quilt. The darkness comes and with it a race of emotions. The night will lose it’s glow if one is not careful. If I forget to see that the heart of the moon is to show the world the sun, even if the world fights back and tries to hide.

June 7th, 2010

I have so much to learn. He’s got so many plans for me. It’s hard to try and figure out those plans. Maybe I don’t have to figure them out, maybe He’ll show me. I feel restless. I feel tired, emotionally, physically. I’ve been running and even though I get to pause and walk every now and then, no full stops. It’s like I’m singing and can take quick breaths at commas and such but there’s no end. No end to the song, no full breath, my lungs have been burning. I just got my full breath. Yesterday mom had me stay home from Church, and it did a world of good, I was drained, and had nothing left to give, and now I can give again. And I’m glad. My friend needs me.

June 17th, 2010

I don't know how I feel anymore, the past few days have been so hard. I felt angry determined love pain. A sense of loss. I felt so numb. I'm hurting and I don't know how to deal with it. It's OK to hurt but give it to God. In don't let it make me better I know. But it's so hard. So many emotions are flowing through me. I get angry at the simplest things when I'm hurting. Sometimes I feel. Like through all I'm going through I should be allowed to lash out. I know that's a sorry excuse. The Jones are gone. Mr. Jones left them. He didn't show up for the flight. My pain is a spec compared to what the Jones are going through and yet they’re handling it about as well as possible. Praying, taking care of each other, grieving, trusting. When we saw them off at the airport, Mrs. Jones tried to comfort me. She said she knew I was hurting too. I didn't know what to say to that. I've helped where I can. And that drained me. The Jones need so much prayer. And my parents are hurting too. I feel almost selfish to ask God to help me. I know that's foolish too.

August 14th, 2010

We visited the International House of Prayer Today. It was a beautiful, peaceful, joyful, place. And last night I found myself deep in prayer, crying out to him for help for people I knew, for me, and with praise. I feel so close right now in some ways. I felt the prayer house was a tiny taste of heaven. So beautiful. I've been reading song of songs or actually I finished it. I liked in chapter 6, verse 9 where at spoke about the woman who saved herself being unique to others. It's a good reminder of the worth of even things people think are small like kissing.